The power of saying Sorry to your children

Judith Richardson has been a champion of the parent-child relationship for over two decades, teaching thousands of parents how to build and maintain warm, resilient relationships.

All parents make mistakes, say things they regret, and act out of frustration in the heat of the moment – this is very normal.  Even after you have mastered the P.E.T.skills, you will still act or speak in reaction at times.  However, what matters more to your children than your anger or frustration is the fact that you take responsibility for your actions and clean them up/apologise.

Some parents when first hearing the notion of saying sorry to their children have concerns,  fearing their children will in some way take advantage of their vulnerability and/or have some ‘power’ over them and start to “rule the roost”.

But in truth, quite the opposite happens.  Children actually respect their parent’s apology and they mature through the process.  They feel taken care of and respected and they have a sense of really mattering to their parents.  This kind of modeling and interaction contributes to building the emotional intelligence of our children.

Children who are treated in this way are much more likely to apologise when they too act in a way that causes others distress.  They learn it is safe to apologise.  It show’s your children that we all react in ways that don’t serve us to get our needs met.  It also models that when we do clean up and apologise we repair this lapse in a relationship.

In fact, research has shown that relationships where people take responsibility for their behaviour and apologise, the relationship is actually strengthened more than if you never ever made an error.  Relationships are not weakened by the apology, conversely, a deeper trust is built.  And what we are talking about is more than just saying a casual ‘sorry’ in passing.

It must be heartfelt and authentic and what betterway to disclose your feelings than in the form of and I-message.  For example, “I want you to know I am sorry that I spoke loudly to you in that tone.  I was upset about something else and I overreacted.  I do not want to do this in my relationship with you because I love you.”

You can see that it is more powerful to explain to your child why you are sorry and that you are saying sorry because you value the relationship and that you value communication that is ‘clean’.  There is much learning for the receiver in this I-message as you can see.   And of course, we will be at this point always ready to actively listen to any response from our child that shows they need to be heard.

Whenever we do not clean up in this way we leave a residue between you and the other person that is carried forward to the next interaction.  This is counterproductive to the ongoing health of the relationship and has a flow-on effect.  When we do clean up however the relationship is much warmer and stronger.

The other benefit from this is that your children will be more likely to apologise for their communication that is “off” with you.  My children are very quick to apologise for their moods and snappy comments, in fact, I have in my keepsakes box some lovely “sorry notes” from over the years, some even elaborately decorated.

What a powerful life skill to have passed on to them. 

And yes, cleaning up does take courage and I encourage you to make it part of your daily interactions. And yes it is worth it! Try it and you will see. 

Warm regards Judith Richardson, Instructor Trainer,

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This post was written by Judith